Reconciliation
Step 9 is all about reconciliation with those we had harmed from the list we made in Step 8. The purpose is not to explain or describe our side of things. The purpose is to admit those wrongs we have committed, offer a sincere apology and make restitution wherever possible. Do not argue with the person or criticize them, even if their response is negative. Approach each person in a spirit of humility, offering reconciliation, not justification.
At the beginning of starting these 12 Steps this one stands out above all the others as very scary. Many of us never follow through with this step so we never fully recover from whatever our affliction. Nor do we achieve the closeness with the Lord that we could have if we had stuck it out. We never have the weight of these burdens lifted.
The reason some quit abruptly at this step, too afraid or too proud to face those they wronged, is because the previous eight steps were never thoroughly worked. If we have truly let go of our flawed past, gave our character defects over to God, humbled and forgave ourselves then we would understand it doesn’t matter how the other person reacts to our amends. We know we are doing what the Lord requires of us and trying our best to make right our wrongs.
Ever notice how humble people don’t have a problem apologizing for wrongdoing?
Not everyone will react kindly. I had a family member refuse to accept my amends but I couldn’t let that deter me from the path I was on. I knew I was doing right and her anger, resentment, inability to forgive (always keeping score) and feelings of superiority stems from who knows what long ago and runs deep. I realized those were HER issues so, needless to say, she is no longer in my life. Sadly, with a person like that it makes my life much more peaceful this way.
“…except when to do so would injure them or others.”
There may be times when making an amends will be painful for the other person or even harmful. If you think that might be the case, discuss the situation with a person you trust before proceeding. Preferably someone that has worked the steps. Probably the person we made our confession to back in Step 5. This part of recovery must never lead to the further harm of others.
I believe this part tends to do with lust. It would definitely make your spouse heartsick if they knew you cheated on them. Especially if they think you are happily married. Also, say you slept with your friend’s spouse. You may be single but what you did was still wrong. Telling your friend will probably ruin their marriage (and definitely your friendship-which you would deserve by the way).
Scripture says in Matthew 5, ” ……go thy way unto thy brother and first be reconciled to thy brother and then come and offer thy gift.” So, we are not reconciled with God unless we at least try to reconcile with those we have wronged or those we have ought with.
Upon completing Step 9, to the best of our ability, we have done all we can to begin to put ourselves in harmony with the Lord. We have done all we can to heal relationships and become reconciled to others. A huge burden has been lifted! We have gone down into the depths of humility, with the Lord by our side, and survived!
Now we will begin to experience a new life of hope!
That sounds hard, and of course as you point out, it’s a two way street. Some people may not wish for reconciliation, but at least you will know you have done your part.
Exactly and in reality we are doing for ourselves anyway.
I’ve been on the road to reconciliation myself with a family member. Its been a long and hard journey but it is worth it. Thank you for a wonderful post.
Thanks Cindy and good luck to you!
Reconciliation is important, but unfortunately it takes both parties to agree with it. I tried to reconcile with someone and it’s been very difficult as I’ve tried so many times but the other person was not open to it. I guess the other person was still trying to overcome certain things….
Agatha, the important thing is you tried. Thanks for stopping by!
Forgiveness and reconciliation are beautiful things. http://encouragementfromtheword.com/know-someone-facing-the-aftermath-of-adultery/
Hi Mag, here from Inspire Me Monday.
This is such a powerful step, and soooo necessary. My ex-husband and I have reconciled to the point of friendship.
And to others, I’ve had to admit, and apologize for so many things.
Thank God for His forgiveness and grace!
Thanks for stopping by, Melinda, and thank you for sharing!!
It is not easy to apologise and take responsibility for your actions. Sometimes people aren’t ready to forgive although given time they are. At least you have lifted the burden and taken another step forward. Thank you for sharing with us at #AnythingGoes
Thanks for stopping by Sue!!
What an interesting series!
I’m going to have to come back one day and read all of the steps because I feel like I’m getting in on the middle of a movie that I’d like to see in its entirety!
I came over on Totally Terrific Tuesday today. Glad to find your site.
Blessings,
Melanie
Thanks for stopping by, Melanie and don’t forget to come back! Hope the movie was good
I’m loving this series of yours, Mary.
Thanks a lot for sharing it on #TipTuesday. Very insightful.
Thanks for sharing this post about reconciliation. It’s such an important part of our lives
Glad to have it at Together on Tuesdays!
Great post. Going back to read the first 8. Found you on the R&R Wednesday link up.
Hi Yvonne….thanks for stopping by!
Mary, this is valuable, practical advice! Glad to do #OMHGWW with you this week!
Shellie
http://www.thefabjourney.com
Admitting wrongs is for sure difficult… so is forgiveness. I like how the bible discusses it as a process
Thanks for stopping by Tracy!
it’s hard to forgive, and move on no matter what the circumstances, but i think it’s an important step in life. well written!!
Thanks for stopping by Kaitie!